Rules or Relationship

“It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship. It’s not about rules and regulations, but about a personal relationship with Jesus.” That’s what I was told as a young college student when approached on campus by the local college ministry, and that’s what I told countless students for the next few years as I participated in my college ministry evangelism strategies. This idea of relationship over rules has influenced me in many ways, but I wonder how this works itself out in practice.

I hope you will indulge me in a little thought experiment – an imaginative exploration of how things might have been. In the first few chapters of the book of Genesis in the Bible we read the scenes that set up the rest of the story. The first thing we encounter is God making rules. Eat this, don’t eat that. OK, it wasn’t the first thing. But, it is one of the early documented interactions between God and humans. Whether the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil are literal trees or metaphorical is not the point of this post – for in either case, there were rules concerning them.

Along comes another resident in the garden, one who was created prior to the humans. This creature asks for clarification of the rules – perhaps God didn’t have the same rules for the other creatures in the Garden. In reading the rest of the story, we discover that God wasn’t too keen on the way humans handled this interaction and there were consequences. Here’s where I’m hoping to do a little bit of imagining. I wonder how God would have hoped humans would respond to the questioning of the rules? I wonder if God knew the boundaries would be pushed, the Garden values would be challenged? Did God wish the humans would have come with their questions and concerns before making a decision to cross the line? Would God have responded, “Just do what I say! Obedience is the most important thing!! It’s my job to keep everyone safe, and if you just follow my rules…”

Before God gave the rules, God established relationship and gave responsibility. When I talk to my girls about sexual purity, I know the boundaries will get challenged. I know the questions will come. I know the consequences can be painful. But for me, it’s not about rules, it’s about relationship. Does that mean I don’t have rules? No way! Rules and boundaries are an important part of relationship. But, rules and boundaries are not the basis of relationship and obedience is not the goal. Life and love are the goal. When the rules get challenged and the validity of the consequences questioned, I hope and pray my girls will come and talk to me about their questions. I hope to establish good communication and healthy opportunities for questioning and debate that will lead them to a place of making wise decisions based on knowledge and understanding, not fear of consequences.

Talking Turkey: Gender Roles

She arrived the day before Thanksgiving after a two-day road trip from Chico, CA. The long drive in the rain had taken it’s toll and even though she was tired, she was never too tired for a good debate. We were discussing our plans for Turkey Day in the kitchen and the conversation somehow turned to one of my favorite topics – gender roles. Perhaps it was because my husband and I share the kitchen so much. If there’s one topic I get passionate about, it’s gender roles and something my mom said stirred the fires and got me thinking.

“It’s great that you and Ken share so much of the cooking, but you know, God created men to be our protectors.” “Really?” I thought. Then, thinking out loud as I so often do, I processed some of my thoughts with her. “Really?” I said, “Why would God create man to protect woman if there were no threats in the Garden of Eden?” Thus began a lively debate about gender roles over preparations for Turkey Day.

Some argue that before the Fall of Man – ok, I’ll be fair and use gender-neutral language here – before the Fall of Humanity, there was no death. So, no death, probably no violence and likely no need for protection. And who was it in the garden that needed “help” anyway? Many systems of defining gender roles look to creative intent as the orientation for defining what is “true” masculinity and femininity. I’m wondering if we have read some things into our origin texts that might not be there.

I still have much thinking to do on this issue, and will be processing some of my thoughts here, but the question I am asking myself about this idea of male=protector is: Do I want to communicate the subtle message to my girls that they are not safe in this world unless they have a human male to protect them? Where does God fit into that picture? What about all the single ladies and all the fatherless girls out there? Is there no hope for them?

Scot McKnight of Jesus Creed posted “Save the Girls” which is an excerpt from The Case for Girls in Fast Company that reminded me to blog about this today. Even though my refrigerator and I are stuffed with more turkey than we need, let’s not stop talking turkey about this important topic.

How to and How Not To…

Braces and bandanas adorned my oldest daughter during much of her sixth and seventh grade years. She has the most amazingly beautiful curly red hair, but try telling that to a budding adolescent with metal on her teeth. As with all first-born children, we learn how to be parents with them and make most of our mistakes with them. I learned from my first attempt at having a talk with her about sex that I didn’t want to be unprepared this time. My strategy is to go on a mother-daughter “junket,” as my husband calls them, and talk with them about the birds and the bees before they get the sex-ed classes at school, and then to have another “junket” when they hit the teens to talk about purity. As I was planning the purity talk getaway with my oldest daughter, I was also planning the birds and the bees getaway with my second daughter – which inspired the working title for me book.

Standing around the kitchen counter and looking at the calendar, we were trying to sort out the craziness of our schedules now that school had just started. And not only school, but the beginning of birthday season – my third daughter had already turned 9 in June, my fourth was turning 7 in September, my first was turning 13 in October and my second, 11 in November. Looking at the school calendar, there were a couple of long weekends we could take advantage of for our trips – I had found some great fall deals at a lovely resort in Canada, and the exchange rate was quite favorable. As I was marking the calendar for our special trips, my second daughter piped up, “So, when we’re 11 you tell us how to do it, and then when we are 13 you tell us how not to?” Ah, out of the mouths of babes. She always has been the smart-ass one, I mean, the smart one…

My oldest daughter filled the kitchen with her infectious laughter as we affirmed her sister’s thesis – from then on, our little junkets would be called the “How To Talk” and the “How Not To Talk.” I’m still trying to figure out what to call our last junket before they go off to college.

While I was more prepared for the “How Not To Talk” with my oldest daughter and was getting more prepared for the “How To Talk” with my second daughter, I still have much to learn.

Talking to Girls About Sex

“Mom, do we really have to TALK about THIS?!?” They all respond the same way. Resistance and embarrassment, with a touch of fright. But, I insist. “Yes, we really have to talk about this. I’d rather have a conversation, but, if you are that uncomfortable, then you can just listen.” I take my girls on special weekend getaways at various developmental stages to talk with them about sex. It’s important to me. There is so much uncertainty and unpredictability in our culture surrounding sexuality – gender role definitions are changing, friends with “benefits” is common during high school years, homosexuality is becoming more mainstream with gay straight alliances on Jr. High campuses, and sex-trafficking is not something that is just happening in other countries.

While my girls initially express discomfort with the topic, over the years we have had some great conversations. I try to avoid lecturing, but the teacher in me sometimes takes over. They are good about reminding me to not “over explain” things when they occasionally ask questions. I’m also known for spouting random research details to my girls about sex.  Once when I was driving my daughter and her friends to gymnastics practice I spouted out, “You know, girls who engage in regular sports tend to have their first sexual encounter at a later age than other girls.” My 16 year old daughter told me the next day that one of her friends in the car with us was already sexually active and that my spouting off random sex facts was awkward for her. She sometimes wonders if I will ever learn.

I know I’ve made my share of mistakes in talking about sex with my girls, but one thing I hope I’ve done a pretty good job at is keeping the dialogue open. I’m in the early stages of writing a book on talking to girls about sex and while I still have much to learn, I hope by sharing my experiences with others I can inspire more parents to talk with their girls about this often awkward topic. The working title is, “The How to and How Not To Guide: Talking to Girls About Sex.” On the surface the title speaks about guiding parents and other adults on how to talk to girls about sex, and how NOT to talk to girls about sex. But, there’s more to the story than that.

I’m reading You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving the Church by David Kinnaman who says that for some young people “it feels like the church’s teaching on sexuality is behind the times” and that’s one of the reasons they are leaving the church. Well, I don’t want to be guilty of being behind the times on this issue and I sure hope my kids develop a lifelong faith commitment that helps them stay connected to the church at all stages of their lives. An early church leader, Tertullian, once said that the family is like a little church. I wonder if changing the church culture around this issue needs to begin at home with families. As parents, our kids look to us for guidance – whether they admit it or not. What messages are we communicating in our homes about sex? What spoken and unspoken values are being passed on to our kids? How are we, as parents, being repressive on this issue of sexuality?

I’ve been doing reading and research on this topic for a little while now and will be blogging about what’s going on in our culture and in our churches around this topic. I hope you will join me on this journey. David Kinnaman says we should get lots of help when coming up with book titles. In my next blog I’ll tell you the back-story on how I came up with my working title. But for now, I’m asking for your help. What do you think of my working title?

Seminary Graduation and Beyond

George Fox Evangelical Seminary Graduation, Spring 2011

It’s been over a month since I graduated from George Fox Evangelical Seminary in Portland, OR and I’m still contemplating the most often asked question since graduation: what are you going to do now? One thing I plan to do more now that I have graduated is write for this blog. But here are a few other things that are on my heart and mind for the immediate future.

Worship: Before I started Seminary I was enrolled in the Worship Arts Conservatory. Leading worship and being a part of a worship team has always been a passion of mine. One of the reason I wanted to go to seminary was so I could write theologically rich worship songs. While I was in seminary I was able to participate on a worship team at my local church and it’s part of what sustained me. But, I really didn’t devote much time to learning or writing new music or practicing my guitar. So, I bought some new CDs and have been playing my guitar more often. It’s been very refreshing. I hope to get more involved in the worship ministry at my local church now that I am done with school.

Writing: I have about three book proposals in various stages of development. I’ve picked one to focus on this summer. I will be doing more research on the topic and finish the proposal by the end of the summer. The topic of the book is talking to girls about sex. As part of my research I will be attending a class at the University of Washington on the Psychobiology of Women. I also have a couple of songs I’d like to work on which were inspired during one of my seminary classes.

Blogging: I’m not sure how much I will be blogging during this season. There are so many things I keep telling myself I need to blog about. I expect that as those things continue to take root inside me they will eventually sprout and bloom onto my blog.

Teaching and Education: I loved Seminary. I loved the reading, the studying, the conversations with others who are in ministry and thinking theologically about life, and the writing. I am studying for the GRE so I can apply to PhD programs in the fall for entry in 2012. I am looking at Gender and Women’s Studies programs, as well as Communication. I will be teaching my first online course for George Fox Seminary in the Fall and hope to teach more in the future.

Travel: I hope to travel more in the future as well. I’d love to take another trip to China. I’d love to go on a short-term mission trip with my oldest daughter. I’m heading back east in a couple weeks for the Vineyard Seminarian Summit at Yale with Miroslav Volf. I hope to get to visit some friends from high school who still live in the NE. I’m not sure if I will make it to Woodstock on this trip, but you never know…

Family: Last, but certainly not least, I am enjoying more leisure time with my family. Strangely, I find myself doing the kitchen chores joyfully more often. Without all the pressures of deadlines for reading and online discussions looming, it feels good to do housework. I’ve also started my spring cleaning and hope to get it done before summer arrives, if it ever does! I’m watching more movies with the family, helping kids with final projects for school, and playing Wii bowling with my husband.

Graduation is called commencement for a good reason – it is more than the end of a season of studying, it is often the beginning of new and exciting things in life. This year I will also be celebrating my oldest daughter’s graduation from High School. I am looking forward to the new beginnings that will be springing up all around me soon!