Breakthrough Trafficking

I’m sitting in the airport waiting to get on a twelve hour flight to Taipei and then on to Bangkok. We will spend our first day in Thailand touring the city and visiting the Grand Palace. The rest of our trip we will be in Pattaya. Here’s a video that gives an overview of the kind of work Global Breakthrough is doing there.

I will be updating as often as possible. I’m using a tablet instead of my laptop, so will be learning how to use my new technology.

Surprised By Grief

(Warning and Disclaimer: This post contains details of violence and sexual abuse. My mother and my sister have both shared their stories publicly and have given me permission to share these details. Proceed with caution and grace.)

May 24th is my dad’s birthday. He passed in 2006. I posted a status update on Facebook about grief sneaking up on me again. I was encouraged by many friends commiserating with me. My friend, Al, posted, “A good dad is not to be forgotten.” Al is a good dad and is leaving a beautiful legacy for his children. But what about a bad dad? What about a “mixed-bag” dad?? What do we do with the memories that we wish we could forget?

My dad was abusive. I’m still going to therapy over it. I have very few memories of my early years before my parents divorced. During our first round of therapy, when my sister and I lived with our mom again during our 20’s, my mom revealed the extent of the violence done to her. I needed to know because I blamed my mom for the divorce. My sister told our mom about the sexual abuse she experienced. My mom had no idea. It was devastating. By that time, my dad was remarried and in the process of being reformed – at least that was our hope. My stepmom is a true saint and deserves many crowns in heaven.

I was born into the “Mad Men” culture – my dad had an apartment downtown with a buddy where he practiced his indiscretions. He was a young and upwardly-mobile IBMer. My parents married young because of my older sister, and their early married life was very stressful. These are not excuses for the black-eyes and bruises he inflicted on my mom. Being born into a home of violence and sexual abuse has significantly informed my thinking about sex.

It has also inspired me to help others who are victims of violence and sexual abuse. My sister and I have been on a long journey together healing from the sexual abuse she experienced. She went through the Wounded Heart curriculum and is still receiving consistent support in recovery groups. Before she went off to Bible College, we confronted our dad and brought the secrets out into the open. He partially confessed and asked for forgiveness. His memories of the transgressions were different than ours. Here’s one of my memories, my sister has many more:

“Daddy, don’t!” She whimpered in fear. He touched her in places that felt kind of queer. He hushed her, “Shhh, I love you, my dear.” He hoped she’d be quiet so I wouldn’t hear. I was frozen, playing possum, no way I could sleep. My sister was hurting, my heart started to weep. She let him touch her, but he had crossed the line. I lived in fear, would it be my turn next time?

My dad must have had to bury the horror of his bad behavior to be able to live with himself. He must have felt remorse and regret that was overwhelming at times causing him to “forget” even before he learned to forgive. I don’t know if he ever fully forgave himself or to what extent he experienced God’s grace. He got Alzheimer’s later in life, so whether he deserved it or not, his memories were erased.

My mom, my sister and I have been working through the process of forgiveness for many years. We couldn’t even begin to forgive without the grace of God. I shared some of this with the team I will be traveling to Thailand with next week. We will be working in Thailand to help stop sex trafficking. Trauma and abuse leave wounds that get activated in some of the most unexpected ways. I want to be prepared. I don’t want to be surprised by my reaction to the horrors of sex trafficking.

I was surprised by grief again this year. In many ways, my dad was a bad dad and some would say I should be glad he is gone. Honestly, there were days when I wished he had never been born. Those days remind me that the darkness runs deep in me as well. While my dad did some horrendous things, he also did some beautiful and amazing things. And I miss him.

He wasn’t a monster. He experienced abuse as a kid too. Most of the time he was a really great guy. He always provided for us and cared for us, even after the divorce. He was never a dead-beat dad. He loved us deeply and gave us tons of appropriate affection. Eventually, he went to counseling with my stepmom and got help for his abusive behavior.

He encountered the grace of God and chose to allow God to change him and help him become a better man. He loved my girls and would laugh and giggle with them whenever he visited. He helped to set up trust funds for their college education. He always believed in my sister and me and wanted the best for us. He always knew how to pick out the best dress for me when he took me shopping. And he bought all the girls the cutest Buckeye cheerleader outfits when they were little!

I think he would be proud of me today. The last time my dad visited me, before he got too sick to travel, he bought me a bouquet of flowers and told me, “You deserve to have flowers everyday.” I think I’ll buy some flowers today in honor of him.

One of the biggest questions I’ve wrestled with over the years is why God lets such bad things happen? Where was God in the midst of the trauma and abuse? After an inner-healing prayer session a few years ago, I wrote about my experience of God in the midst of healing from the abuse. I’m sharing it here in hopes that it might encourage others who have experienced their own version of trauma and abuse. No matter how good or bad our dads are – one thing I am confident in is the goodness of God. I hope this helps you find hope in God, our healer.

—-

Frozen in time, she lay there asleep, though not really sleeping, her heart starts to weep. What is this feeling, what is this fear? Her daddy, so loving, so terrifying, so near. So far from the image of safe and secure, he reaches to touch her, intentions impure. Where’s her heavenly Father when daddy crosses the line, where is her Savior when she’s frozen in time, where’s mothering Spirit when she needs a pure touch, where is God when she needs God so much?

Frozen in time, she lay there awake, though not really present, she knew how to be fake. Spirit calls to her daddy, “don’t touch what is Mine! Keep your hands to yourself, you don’t need her this time.” But some daddy’s don’t listen, ears covered in shame, they stay stuck in the drama, spreading pain from their pain. Heavenly Father is waiting to help them to see, Savior is calling, come to me to be free, mothering Spirit is waiting to give life anew, to open hearts to the God who is true.

Father, come heal your child. Savior, come save the day, Spirit, come breath upon her – gently nudge her awake. Awake to your presence, let her know you are near, even there in the dark night, perfect love casts out fear.

Come like a lion, lead her on like a lamb, take her into your presence – the paradox where you stand. Your strength is enough to shatter her fear, you are gentle and kind, you are drawing her near. May she embrace your presence, both lion and lamb, the wonderful mystery, the great I AM.

Melting in his arms, God carries her close, slowing waking and warming to the One who loves her most. What is she hearing, what is this song? Her Heavenly Father, so loving, so gracious, so strong. So close to the image of safe and secure, He carries and holds her in arms of love so pure. Heavenly Father is there, when sin crosses the line, sweet Savior, brings healing to frozen insides, comforting Spirit brings strength through a simple touch, God is right there when she needs God so much.

Mother’s Day and The Hunger Games

Does every girl dream of being a mother when they grow up? I have four girls, and I can say from personal experience – it’s a mixed bag. Even my own history testifies to the ambiguity in answering this question. When I was young, I wanted to be the first woman president and I wasn’t going to get married, or if I did, I wasn’t going to take HIS last name! That way I could also be the first King of the United States – my maiden name is King. I don’t remember being interested in having kids at all. If I played those schoolyard games of picking out future kids’ names, it was only to fit in and go along with the crowd. Perhaps it was growing up as a child of divorce, passed back and forth between abusive and alcoholic homes that soured me to having kids. Who knows. My sister was the one who wanted to get married and have kids. Maybe it was because she fell in love in High School. But, the odds were not in her favor.

In The Hunger Games Trilogy, Katniss never dreamed of getting married or having kids. She couldn’t imagine bringing children into such a bleak world. The dystopian imaginary of Suzanne Collins is a reality for many. I love how Suzanne Collins deals with the romantic ideal and the myth of the “good mother”. Katniss did not have a typical “good mother” role model – a reality for many that makes Mother’s Day a difficult day to celebrate. While I don’t hate Mother’s Day in the way that Anne Lamott does, I appreciate her critique of the holiday.

I appreciated the intricate interaction of free-will, cultural/social pressure, and destiny in The Hunger Games Trilogy. Katniss stubbornly clings to her independence and desires to choose for herself whether and whom she marries, while faced with the extreme pressure of The Games to conform to the expectations of the world around her. Many girls are pressured to marry – in some cultures they are even forced to marry or sell themselves for what feels like the salvation of their family. Katniss resists the injustice of such a forced marriage arrangement, yet is willing to consider it as an option to protect those she loves. I was a little disappointed in the ending when Katniss confesses, “I know this would have happened anyway.” This line gave the sense of some sort of inevitability that minimized her choice (I won’t tell you her choice in case you haven’t read the books). But, the ending also represented a sense that Katniss had finally reached a level of self-awareness that allowed her to make the choice of a partner that best suited her. Isn’t that what we want for our girls – that they will have choices and that they will choose the partner that best suits them? And, that they would have the freedom to choose a career or choose to raise a family or both?

Collins did a good job developing the character of Katniss to have a legitimate choice between two young men who genuinely loved her, balanced with the possibility of choosing neither of them. The complexity of the character development was well done with Katniss loving both Gale and Peeta in different ways and for different reasons, showing us that the romantic ideal is not often a reality. Love is a choice. Loving and being loved in return is not a given. The tension and the uncertainty was well played, even though it felt a little bit like the “Team Edward” vs. “Team Jacob” rivalry in the Twilight Series. Fortunately, the rivalry in The Hunger Games was a bit more realistic, exposing the possibility that life circumstances may prevent romantic love from flourishing.

One thing that frustrated me about the Twilight Series was this notion of a soul mate – or the sense that one person is destined to be with another and can’t survive without them. While it may make a good story, I wonder if it sets our girls up for unrealistic expectations in regards to choosing a life partner. The idea of a soul mate – or someone we can’t live without – makes love and marriage almost inevitable and gives a sense that there is some cosmic matchmaker that knows what’s best and will make it happen. It also gives a feeling of incompleteness – I’m not enough unless I find that one person designed to complete me. I don’t think this is the way love works, nor am I convinced it’s the way God intended for love and marriage to work.

When my girls dream and talk about their future husbands and kids, I dream with them and celebrate their choice of kid names. But I also push back a bit. My sister wanted to get married and have kids, yet at age 50 she remains single and childless. Was it because her first love died in a car accident before graduating high school? Was it because of the abuse when she was a girl? We could speculate about the reasons, but I don’t think that would be helpful. Most people say really stupid things to their single friends over 40. The reality is, we don’t always get what we want. So, I ask my girls, “What if you never get married?” “What if you can’t have kids?” We talk about options, choices, reality.

I didn’t even imagine having kids until after I committed my life to Christ around age 17. I gradually started opening up to the idea. If that’s what God wanted, I was willing to consider it. But, I was planning to remain single and go to the far reaches of the world for the sake of the Gospel. In my church culture there was this subtle message that marriage and child-rearing was a woman’s primary call and function – some sense of “this is why God created women.” Well, sometimes the message was not so subtle. I had friends who were part of the Quiverfull movement and others who were intentionally childless because the end of the age and the tribulation was certainly near! After reading A Full Quiver, the argument made some sense to me, though the fear of an impending apocalypse was tempting as well. Four kids and a “quiverfull” later, I am not so persuaded by either argument. I chose to marry and have four children – and my choice was largely influenced by love and hope – love for my husband and hope in a better future than my past predicted. Love changes things. Hope changes things.

So, what’s a mother of four girls to do? Do I wish marriage and motherhood upon them? Do I pray that someday they will meet Mr. Right, have children and live happily ever after? Honestly, that’s not my prayer for my girls. For centuries motherhood was the only sure way for a woman to find value and have a place in society. Times have changed. My prayer is for my girls to choose and be chosen for roles that they are best suited for – whether raising a family or having a career or both. I pray they would find their value and worth in their identity in Christ, not in their roles or in what society expects of them. I pray they will reflect the image of God in their choices and that they will be faithful to their true selves. I pray they will resist pressure from society or cultural systems that are in opposition to God’s Kingdom vision. I pray they will choose to participate as valuable and valued members of unified communities of cooperative friends of Jesus living lives of creative goodness for the sake of others.

Dating Rules: If the guy offers to change her oil, does the gal owe him anything?

“Dad, do I have to help change the oil in the car?” It’s been a long time since I changed my own oil – though my dad taught me how. One of the benefits of growing up in an all girl family – there is no division of labor along gender lines. While my husband is usually the one who gets dirty under the car to change the oil, I am capable of doing it and want my girls to master the skill of taking care of their own vehicles for a number of reasons – one of which has to do with the rule of reciprocation. I’ll never forget learning this concept in my Persuasive Communication class and don’t make a very good target of most marketing schemes. We learned about various tactics used to influence compliance and persuade people to do things they otherwise wouldn’t be inclined to do. One of the tactics we discussed involved the rule of reciprocation. I was already somewhat familiar with this concept because I wrote a paper in High School titled, “There’s No Such Thing as a Free Lunch.”

In discussing the rule of reciprocation, one scholar notes, “Possibly one of the most potent compliance techniques is the rule of reciprocation, which prompts us to repay what someone has given us. When we are given a gift, we feel indebted to the giver, often feel uncomfortable with this indebtedness, and feel compelled to cancel the debt…often against our better judgment. The rule of reciprocation is widespread across human cultures, suggesting that it is fundamental to creating interdependencies on which societies, cultures, and civilizations are built. In effect, the rule of reciprocation assures that someone can give something away first, with the relative assurance that this initial gift will eventually be repaid–nothing is lost.”

This rule of reciprocation is not always applied consciously. For instance, at church we invite our volunteers to a free lunch to thank them for their service. Along with serving them a free meal, we have drawings for giveaways and by the end of the day, many volunteers feel a sense of indebtedness. So, when the time comes to sign up to volunteer again or when they are contemplating quitting their volunteer position – they are more likely to choose to continue volunteering because of this general sense of “owing” something. This rule of reciprocation is likely intended by God to create cultures of mutual interdependence, but like all good things, it is often abused. Some use their influence and the rule of reciprocation to serve themselves, instead of for the good of the whole. You’re probably imagining your own scenarios, but I’ll offer a common one. Guy meets gal on college campus and invites her to dinner. He takes her to a nice restaurant and offers to pick up the tab. Later, they go to a club and he buys her quite a few drinks. With her judgment impaired by the alcohol and her growing discomfort of indebtedness, she gives in to his sexual advances but later regrets it in the morning.

Some gals are not so easily persuaded, and this is one of the reasons I want my girls to be able to change their own oil. A gal goes out on a date and let’s the guy pay for dinner, he doesn’t ask for sex in return. But, the relationship goes on and he continues to give gifts – not only tangible gifts of dinner dates and chocolates or flowers, but gifts of service – like changing the oil on her car when she is in need. At some point, she may reach a tipping point and the discomfort of this growing sense of indebtedness breaks down her better judgment and she attempts to cancel the debt by giving him something she later regrets. Thankfully, not all guys springing for a meal with a gal are in it for sex – some are making a genuine offer of friendship and love that they hope will be reciprocated in kind. I’ve also seen beautiful church ministries where men who are skilled at changing oil in cars serve single women with the gift of their time and ability, and the women are blessed. There is a healthy functioning of interdependence – of giving and receiving, a beautiful reciprocity that invites us into cooperative relationship with God for the sake of others. Jesus taught this principle, whoever is forgiven much loves much. (Luke 7) And Paul gives us parameters for this principle: Owe no person anything, except the debt of love. (Romans 13)

Unfortunately, there are many large scale abuses of this powerful principle – one of which I plan to work against in Thailand. Some of the rural regions are struggling in poverty and families send their girls to the city to earn money to send home and support the family. Men prey on such vulnerable girls and use this rule of reciprocity to their own advantage. They lure girls in by giving them gifts they are unable to repay in any way. The overwhelming sense of indebtedness traps the girls into the sex trade with little hope of escape – they can’t imagine how they could ever repay the great debt they owe expect by doing what the sex traffickers tell them to do. It’s the only way.

I’m heading to Thailand next month to help rescue ten girls caught in the sex trade and deliver them into transitional safe houses in country. These girls need to know there is another way. They need someone to cancel their debt and give them a way of escape. Global Breakthrough provides a way out. Will you join me in rescuing ten girls? Our team hopes to raise over $12,000 to accomplish our goal. Some of the funds will go towards our travel, but funds raised above and beyond our travel expenses go toward paying these girls’ debts, providing a safe place for them to receive training and help in finding a different kind of job, and blessing them with new clothes and other items they need. Visit the Global Breakthrough website to contribute and learn more about this project. You’ll find my name listed in the drop-down menu under Giving Categories – Thailand-May Trip ELIZABETH C. If you’ve read this far in the blog, I know you care. Thanks for joining me and many others in this important work.

Did Jesus Talk to Girls about Sex?

“Come see a man who knew all about the things I did, who knows me inside and out. Do you think this could be the Messiah?” -John 4:29 (The Message)

Easter Weekend I participated in cardboard testimonies at my local church. We had four services and each service ended with a line of people answering the question, “Why Jesus?” in 15 words or less. My testimony is in some ways similar to that of the Samaritan woman – “He sees the darkest part of me, but still loves me and calls me friend.”

I’ve been identifying with the Samaritan Woman and the Prostitutes in the Bible for years – after all, I’d had sex with more men than I could count by the time I was 21. And, yes, some of those sordid encounters happened even after I decided to follow Jesus. As I mentioned in a previous post, in some ways sex made me feel lovable and valuable. This connection between sex and value is very strong and very present for many young women. It has also been distorted and exploited in too many ways to count.

During the time of Jesus, women had little value or place in society apart from being married, unless they were rich and privileged. For the Samaritan woman’s survival, she may have felt it necessary to repeatedly offer herself to husband after husband, enslaving herself to men who perhaps mistreated or abused her, just to have a place in society – to have value, and maybe find love.

Surely, such archaic notions of a woman needing to have a man to find her place in society or to find value and worth are a thing of the past – and for many people and societies, this is somewhat true. But, unfortunately, not all. In some poor regions of Thailand well meaning mothers send their daughters off to the big city to work to help support the family, implanted with the dream of finding a foreign husband to rescue them from their poverty. Some of these girls are as young as 13 or 14. Unfortunately, the good intentions of these mothers often lead these young girls into the greedy and seedy clutches of sex traffickers. My youngest daughter is 13. It makes me sick to think of her selling herself to make money for the family. But I probably don’t have to worry much about that, after all, we are rich and privileged.

As a rich and privileged white women I often wonder what I can do to help other women find freedom from poverty and slavery and I get overwhelmed with the need. There are many local needs and there even more global needs – where do I begin? How can I make a difference. As I explore where God might be asking me to participate in the Kingdom work of proclaiming good news to the poor and setting the oppressed free, each story of injustice I encounter tears another whole in my heart. I’ve tried to ignore these rips in my heart, but they just keep bleeding, they just keep bleeding.

My heart does not bleed alone. My second daughter heard a message in youth group about modern day slavery issues and sex trafficking and approached me after the message, with pain in her eyes and a bleeding heart on her sleeve. “Mom, for my pre-college trip I want to go somewhere and help stop sex trafficking!” My goal of these pre-college trips is to help my girls connect their passion with the world’s need. And, to continue the conversation about sex. So, I’m heading out on a scouting trip next month with Global Breakthrough to find out more about how my daughter and I can help stop sex trafficking.

Back to my original question about whether Jesus talked to girls about sex – perhaps we could look to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery and answer yes. Or, we could look to the cultural norms and say that men never talked about such things with unrelated women. Later this month I will be presenting a paper at The Society of Vineyard Scholars annual gathering on Community over Conformity: Jesus and Gender in the Gospel of John. In my paper, I argue that Jesus uses the understanding of gender roles of his day to communicate and legitimize his message, but he also confronts gender stereotypes that are in opposition to the Kingdom vision of a united community of cooperative friends of Jesus living lives of creative goodness in the power of the Holy Spirit for the sake of others. As cooperative friends of Jesus, what are we doing to confront the social realities of gender stereotypes that do violence to our humanity – such as sex trafficking? I don’t know about you, but I’m going to keep talking to my girls about sex – including talking to them about sex trafficking – and imagine ways we can cooperate with God and help to stop sex trafficking!